Sometimes I wonder if we could be friends if we lived closer.
if your phone is working sorry i called you at 2am. if it is not then i never called your phone at 2am
I put cups full of chips next to every bed, couch, and toilet so that everyone could have a snack when they woke up....
Remember when we were mad at her for brining her mom on spring break? She just won the wet t-shirt contest. I think we owe her an apology.
So excited for tonight I might actually pee my pants BEFORE I get blackout
I just had a heart to heart with a stripper I'm becoming a dentist.
If I should ask "why am I still single?" could someone please remind me of shooting mike and ikes out of my nose at the bartender last Saturday. many thanks
Do what? I was just saying that at some point there's a chance I'll have a boner. Think of it like a guessing game. "Does he have one now?"
Because its Monday... And I'm determined to just be drunk for the rest of the semester
Sadly he is straight as an arrow that is designed by a robot computer from the future with lasers.
This saddens me. Mostly because I want to see the schematics on that robot.
She just rubbed her face up and down my six pack cooing. Equal measure of weird and hot.
You ever fart so hard while you are asleep that you wake up screaming?
Nothing like sunday church bells to aid your walk to the pharmacy to get plan b
It's like everybody loves Raymond but the total opposite and everyone wants him to die
I woke up this morning to pee and six dollar bills fell out of my underwear. I guess that lap dance just bought me lunch.
Randomize
