Going back to my hometown to drink absinthe with highschool boys. Remind me to evaluate this decision tomorrow.
Charles Darwin would shit his pants if he saw that we managed to survive that weekend.
My god this is going to ruin whatever Vegas left of our souls...
Putting Chia seeds in beer makes it ok for my diet, right?
Not only did I get beyond cray cray this weekend. My body has nursed itself to plentiful and impeccable health. Fuck you world, I am back.
YOU ARE SO GOD DAMN LOUD AND YOU'RE SHAKING THE GOD DAMN HOUSE. FUCKING STOP.
I made that picture of you my lock screen. So I've just been standing around at work licking my phone all day.
If I remember correctly I tried to steal a mail truck last night
Don't do shots out of Tostitos scoops.
Long story short, I found someone who takes me seriously when I say I have a Shakespeare kink.
I thought you couldn't go near Germans after that restraining order
I just matched with a taco on tinder. Dreams come true.
I want you to know I am at work super hungover and I threw up in the mop sink. I feel like you will appreciate this
You're my fucking hero
how do I say, without sounding slutty... That I can take a dick?
Please don't give away my fajitas
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