I think dad's getting high again. His last google search was "awesome ping pong shit."
A stripper just got mad at me for saying goddammit. She's in no position to lecture me on morality
This guy just walked into class and first thing he did was grab the garbage can, walk to his desk and say "just in case"
Booyah. Found 8000 pesos in my closet and that's apparently 608 US dollars
I talked a bachelorette party out of a 4 person bucket of long islands, and drank it by myself. Please call me a taxi. The fat brides maid just grabbed my cock
Makin mac and cheese without you. Definitely seem to do this better inside you. Splashed boiling water on my cock
Mym mom just came downstairs as I got ghome ans I'm trying to act SO CASUAL as i stabdh here hut icant help bur be like 'girl where's ther Turkey sandwiche s' haahaa
I literally need you to talke care of me soooo9o9oooooo drubj gril makin a sabdwiche. SO far its judst bred and paper towel...
I almost had to get my pinky cut off. Wow I'm so happy. We won beer olympics so i didnt hahaha
He kept making me pretend I was his personal trainer. When I swallowed his cum he made me pretend I was drinking a protein shake. Thats actually what it tasted like.
I am too drunk to deal with your everything. Reread this everytime you feel the need to talk to me.
Its not that hard, just find a girl reading 50 shades of grey and point her my way
We're over by the bouncy castles. I'm the one wearing a baby. Bring Twizzlers.
My new hobby is moving his stuff to random places in the house. Good luck making a smoothing at 6:30 in the morning, the blender top's in the dog food container
You were throwing cups at people in the basement, yelling at them to get out of your swamp.
I'm honestly just now recovering from saint Patrick's day.
Randomize
