I'm not saying he's gay. Just that he prob knows what a dick tastes like
i got really high and listened to the spongebob squarepants theme song and, i swear to god, it was in german.
We decided that the paper cups disintegrating was god's way of telling us we had had enough
Found a pint glass in my snow pants.
Watching the tv in the reflection of my phone cause I'm too hungover to roll over.... Yes it is 4 PM...
She just tricked me into telling her the balance of my 401k... She's like a gold digging jedi mind trick ninja
Love is....waiting for your girl to throw up her shot in the bathroom...then handing her her beer. Game face.
This girl is wasted dancing to The Final Countdown. She's grinding on a guy who came to the bar in a track jacket and a wife beater
I think my ball sweat smells like waffle house. might be time to change up drunken eating habits
I just imagined myself as R2-D2 and you as C3P0 walking around the Vegas desert looking for alcohol
You stopped loving me for a minute.
You sent me "Is nap," I don't think that really counts as a conversation starter.
You full on peed your pants then resurrected yourself like Jesus Christ...
I woke up to Dragon Ball Z playing in Portuguese and a donut shish-kebab~ed on a dick in my face.
Idk, but the girl in his story had really nice eyebrows and was singing The Climb. How about you CLIMB the fuck away from my man
FORGET THE EYEBROWS
He agreed to matching Christmas pajamas today, no guy does that for a girl he’s not seriously considering marrying.
Randomize
