Have fun fixing the bed from last night Bob Villa.
At least you didn't call me Brittany this time
Come here. I'm drunk. Family Function. Intense Pro-life vs. Pro-choice debate. Bring Republicans.
I went to his work to give him some blankets and ended up blowing him in the bathroom. See what happens when you don't come over?
no sex. but he left me weed, so almost as good.
i love that he's uncircumcised. it makes handjobs so much easier. it's the lazy susan of penises.
Just saw a guy doing jumping jacks at the gym. I don't even have to create a punch line for that
she named my penis "gigantor the baby arm"
I smell like booze and the valet literally buckled me in, def top 3 walks of shame
And the best part is I don't remember putting the condom in my pocket! Angels officially exist
Maybe before the beach I should get a tracking chip in my arm.
Shroomed with my best friend'a dad at his wife's surprise birthday party so you can say I have experience in the field
HAPPY AIDS-LESS FOURTH OF JULY YOU HEALTHY FUCK
I remember reading the word "lift" so I did. The alarn went off, and I thought to myself "what dumbass pulls the fucking fire alarm?" and then I realized it was me...
Oh, did your mom say anything else about my butt?
I couldnt sleep the entire night because her cats kept reaching under the door like they were trying to eat me for taking their place on her bed.
I always knew youd fuck a cat lady
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