New discovery: doing the Helen Keller is not as attractive as I thought it would be, in reference to the sex noises.
My BOSS just pulled out a box of Christmas stuff labeled reefs.
I cant leave dude. theres a horse with a top hat on
Bought two parrots for us. I'm keeping them at the Bellagio.
I don't see what kind of idea someone could get from an envelope covered in jesus stickers and a note from a person and their dog. I'd say crazy person alert before flirting.
Apparently I stole windex from the cab driver. Klepto Tom strikes again.
Oh god now he thinks I'm into him because I've been staring at him trying to figure out what animal he looked like
Like my new perfume? It's a combination of Fireball, sex and bad decisions.
Just because the energy drink is shaped like a grenade doesnt make it cool to throw it and yell "BOOM" and break my flatscreen, asshole
there is a spider sitting on top of my weed like he owns it or some shit
no but seriously tf do i do? i have that spider phobia but i think my lvoe of the weed overpowers it
She's lucky her pussy is worth listening to her ramble about bedroom furniture for 30 minutes
I don't drink nearly as much when I'm coupled, and that's not a lifestyle I can commit to
Fuck. I did it again. I plugged in my toaster and walked away thinking it needed to preheat. I am dumb.
The best thing about last night is when drunk Lauren asked cop if she could smoke a joint in front of him. And next thing I remember she’s smoking weed with a cop. How awesome is that.
and by running errands I mean eating an entire bag of milanos by myself in the Walmart parking lot
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