How do u get a lost condom out? Like really lost... up there...
She looked like cheddar but tasted like limburger...
he has 3 profile pictures up and all of them are him riding jet skis
Im only slightly posetive that left over guacamole and wine are unacceptable for breakfast at 6.30 am
you seemed to enjoy falling down hill
wow, never heard the last few months of my life put so succint
I stole a fireplace last night.
The cab driver was nice enough to let you finish your beer in the car, but you crossed the line when you started to pee in the empty bottle
In other news, I'm pretty sure my mom was encouraging me to have a threesome yesterday... I don't even want to start digging in that garden of horror and trauma.
I just looked down and realized I was walking around in briefs and a ninja turtle shirt; and for a second, I thought I was 8 again... Weird...
I just fell in love with a beard, the guy it's attached to isn't great but I think I'm going to take one for the team
...is this motivational speaking, or sexting? It's getting hard to tell.
I just bought a butt plug on Amazon prime day and you're the only person I felt would appreciate that decision
So you're not opposed to us ever having sex again? Because it just seems like such a waste to let a penis like yours go.
I made out with a 40 year old and told her we were dating then got kicked out of a gay bar. This is the day I stop drinking.
By the time we got to McDonald's you were sharing a Big Mac with a stripper.
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