"Take a picture of me motorboating molly" was probably not my best career move
I found out his name. Apparently we sat in the shower together and flooded the bathroom.
Fuck your 100 proof Hot Damn. Do you know what 100 proof vomit tastes like? Anger.
Blasting venetian snares and drinking a beer. I love being an adult. It's like being a child but with beer for breakfast, better music, and no one yells at you.
Just fucked a MILF from Alaska. I love traveling.
I think the universe has a conglomeration of sentences reserved only for me.
Can cross "get fingered at a state park" off my bucket list
"Only you can prevent yeast infections."
What's an appropriate outfit for wearing to hangout with a girl you've talked to once, and had a 4way with?
Her vagina is like the upper echelon of Scientology and I don't have enough money to get in
He literally stole all the change that was on my floor and ran away while I was peeing. I have to rethink my standards.
WTF I can't even get a boyfriend here and you're getting nudes from across the country
I haven't heard from him yet. He's either still asleep (which is entirely plausible..... There wasn't much sleeping happening last night) or he's robbing me blind. But I have renters insurance, so either way, I'm ok with it.
I just had to ask my drug dealer to "keep it simple for me". Is this a new low?
We've done worse things
I don't want to be flamboyant (says the guy who bought a hot pink suit to be a flamingo for Halloween)--but I don't mind being a little extra.
Is it wrong that I have to schedule a family Sunday brunch around my mom's weekly banging of my stepdad. And why do I even know this??
Randomize
