I feel like i made up for not being able to drink on St Pattys Day, Mardi Gras, and last years Cinco De Mayo. That hungover.
He was really drunk and I dared him to jump the swimming pool on his bike. Sadly he couldn't. Hey did you know a testicle can burst?
He says I tipped the waitress ten dollars because she "smelled like pigs in a blanket."
That's what you get for drunk dialing me to ask what kind of flowers I like while outside of a strip club, after telling me you "made it rain"
And then he tried to clean the throw up off my pants with 409
Dating Detox Day 5: had to go out and buy new batteries. this may be harder than I thought
If is anything like my past relationships, I have no doubt that I will single-handedly reignite the Cold War
HURRY. I NEED DRUNK. MORE DRUNK.
Cleaning my room at 2am, in just one corner I found six beers, half a pint of whiskey, my flask, 2 shotgun bullets, my crown and shimmer lotion.
I thought it was pretty weird, but after the marinating loins thing, i figured i'd roll with it.
He said the main reason he fucked me was cause of my storm trooper tattoo. IT ATTRACHES ALL THE HOT NERDS
He's standing in the corner rubbing his nipples and reflecting on poor life choices
What could go wrong? i could have a mental breakdown with a bottle of champagne hand cuffed to a frat bro
He asked when the last time I had sex was. I had to look at the clock and respond "12 hours ago"
I'm basically cruising around listening to 90's gangsta rap with my meatball sub telling people to go fuck themselves
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