Somewhere out there, someone is getting laid. And then theres me, watching Star Trek porn while my roommate plays World of Warcraft next door
i wish that every time i slipped on a sheet of ice i had the ability to recover with a michael jackson move
Intervention is following me on twitter.
wow.
I am scared. I picture you doing a keg stand on a sinking ship with hula girls cheering you on. Please text me when you get back to shore...or now would be good
becoming an adult blows. i don't think its possible for me to wake up for anything that doesn't involve kegs and eggs or half naked bums passed out in our yard.
For using a life jacket as a pillow, I slept pretty good last night...
seeing two hook-ups in tagged in the same picture will send chills down anyone's spine.
Woke up in an unfamiliar pair of underwear, running shoes but no socks, and a cowboy hat. Thank you crown royal
you are my patron saint of "too drunk for 9am". i just keep asking myself what would alyssa do as i try to regain motor function
Also one of my neighbors is blasting "pumped up kicks" and possibly butchering some chickens
don't care how drunk i am. my dick was like "nope, not doing it, you can't make me and i was like oh yes i can"
Looks like I've become the Walter White of my PhD cohort.
They filled a kiddie pool with lube and glitter.
Well, I currently have zero fuckboys and my vibrator just broke. A fresh start to May.
I wish he’d realize all I want is dick. He’s my boytoy. He’s a stunt cock. \n\nCome over, fuck me silly, eat some leftovers, fuck me again, then go back to the frat house
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