During sex he wiggled his hips and said "I'm turning the ice cream" Deal breaker?
she moved to the other side of town, do you realize how far i gotta walk to get a blow job???
Dude i was hungover i didnt know she was in the shower, she screamed i screamed we all screamed and i just so happend to piss in the shower.
i drank out of my shoe...were you seriously expecting me to be the voice of reason?
I just took a shit with a lightsaber in my hand. Dreams fulfilled.
tequilla shots with my grandparents? christmas visiting just got so much better
tell her i changed her phone's unlock password to be the length of my fully erect penis in centimeters. I'll be in my room for the next two hours.
The toilet wouldn't flush at the club so I literally just shat in the garbage.
who orders an old fashioned in 2014? even my Grandparents think you're an asshole.
I'm just trying to win a butt plug dude
I just found one of your beard hairs in my oatmeal.
I had nothing but condoms at the checkout, then grabbed a pack of Orbitz gum and said "gotta protect from bad breath" felt like a boss
The beauty of getting kicked out of college again is I can fuck my professor's brains out and she can't get fired now
I love you. You know I enjoy the constant sex noises
I just want a guy who makes lots of money, has a skilled penis and the sex drive of a 22 year on Viagra. Is that too much to ask?
Randomize
