wait.. the condom broke. ehh whatever i think im already 2 months pregnant
Hurry up I might actually study if I am left alone
When I came home you were using a glowstick to eat peanut butter from the jar.
If only guys knew how much awkward ass shaving goes into making sex this good...
I guess I just laid down next to him with the entire pot of mac n cheese and started giving him a handie with one hand and eating with the other
It's like a bag of dicks covered in taint sweat pounding a pregnant baby walrus.
Winner winner, chicken dinner. I am the sole survivor of the orgy without strep. Or maybe I was the carrier?
No. Mother. Fucking. Jello shots. Just no. I'm not falling into that trap again.
A little boy in a bathroom stall just shouted "mom where's your penis?? Is it inside you?"
Now I don't feel like I'm sweating cheeseburger all the time.
I'm going to give you the best blowjob of your life. And yes you can use my mom's printer.
A 'Bear Fight' is a car bomb followed by a Jaeger bomb. Fuckface and I do those on slow days. Tonight, we did a 'Polar Bear on Fire'. Fireball, a bear fight in the middle, and end with rumple minze.
I made friends at the beach bars tonight. Several were worried for my well being.
Why is there a whip in the kitchen?
Today we memorialize my orgasms. Taken from me over six months ago, gone too soon. Here's to hoping we'll see one again
I need mimosas to revive my soul
Randomize
