I was just making a list of the girls i have slept with and i can't remember your sisters name
Just paid for that girls abortion on my dad's black card. I feel like P-Diddy.
I woke up to my dog puking on my bed. Looks like it was a successful night for us all.
I don't think everyone found it as funny as I did... Nothing says "Party's Over" like the sound of a pump action shotgun.
Just watched a drunk girl hand her valet ticket to a cop and walk away.
You pretended to pelvic thrust my mother on the boat while my 92 year old grandmother looked on. Thanks.
dude my grandma just called my dealer. How does this shit happen to me
I woke up this morning and the lid to the back of my toilet was missing. Dahfaq do I do with this shit?
Just recreated a sandwich from the caf in my own kitchen. Graduation denial at it's finest.
Sober me admires drunk me's enthusiasm, but there is no way I'm going to make it out there today.
Lol drunk you is so full ideas and happy. Sober you is full of grumpy reality.
be right there i have to get my cape
This power is too much for most humans to handle safely. It's like having the nuclear launch codes, except it's my penis.
I have found random beers stashed in my purse and microwave... Apparently I thought 2015 was gonna have a beer shortage
I'm sending him pics of me in my new lingerie telling him to come over and when he gets here I'll have changed into like sweats and a 5 year old shirt with ketchup stains on it
I woke up at 5am on my couch, naked, with a cereal bowl of water next to me. Apprently, drunk me thought I was a kitten last night. Super impressed I slept next to the bowl all night and didn't spill a drop.
Randomize
