even my farts smell like vagina
she's got that wholesome 16 and pregnant look.
My therapist said that she thinks i may have a sex addiction. I think she may be a terrible therapist.
Want me to drive you to Dr. Drew's sex rehab?
Nah, cause then i cant masturbate to that show anymore.
Oh and apparently TSA has to open your present from my family or the terrorists win
I cant help but love a girl who informs me of the pregnancy test results by emailing me a YouTube clip of Barney Stinsons not a fathers day speech.
I had a great time except for the part where you called another guy, told him you were in a cab - not on a date - and that you'd meet him at a bar in 15 minutes. but besides that it was awesome. Next time capping you at two glasses of wine
Drink a bottle I wine by yourself? Treat yo self
You need to stop me from lighting my hand on fire next time we're working
I'm about to take my 7th shot and I have to to go to dinner with my grandma in an half hour. What is my life.
I think "we've never met sober" is a great relationship to have with someone
And he listens to me when I talk to him like the hulk.
I'm sorry for breaking our door. And being a bitch about it.
I just pulled back the shower curtain to reveal Cinnamon Toast Crunch and a spoon in the bathtub. Ambien is a hell of a drug.
I have a hunchback of notre dame journal from when I was 6 wherein sits a diary entry that reads "saw liar liar today. Carrey's best yet" and that's all.
He kept saying "i'm lost" while he was sitting on his couch...
Randomize
