those girls across the street saw me hanging my towel off of my penis...they're coming over later
Who is John, and why is his named carved into our toilet?
some girl just asked me how to spell unconscious. I really want to know what she was texting.
K. On the way. I need a drink.
Like a drink drink or like water?
Have we met?
So i closed my laptop as i started to fall off my bed and then i caught myself and realized that moment of catching myself is the difference between tuesday and friday.
Didn't get the job. Searched for my references on FB and saw the pic of me weighing my head passed out.
He was having a "party in the princess castle." At what point do I blindfold him and take him to AA?
We shaved off his eyebrows I'm pretty sure his fiance will be thrilled at the wedding
Woke up to a note written on my hand that read "just because he kisses you, doesn't mean you have to sleep with him"
next time, write it on your vagina so its more effective.
do you think me going to the gyno dressed as a cat is inappropriate?
Going to dump some dried Xanax powder into some Mac and cheese. Can't think of a better way to avoid tasting it.
By NOT going to the gym, I'm helping my future. I don't want stripping, prostitution, or porn to be viable money making options.
All of my friends are talking about changing their lives because they have an alcohol addiction and I'm over here reminding my boss that it's national beer day.
Okay, I just reached peak living alone
I ate a piece of chocolate cake while jerking off
That man makes my giblets tingle
Congrats? I think?
Randomize
