It wouldn't matter if you are Jesus Christ himself, you are not getting into the bar tonight
The midget we rented got so drunk last night he got carted off in an ambulance
That fat broad you banged out last night is still here and I can hear her snoring through the living room wall. I would leave, but I don't want to come home to an empty fridge.
did we hook up?
no, because you kept repeating "itty bitty titties" when i took off my shirt
omg. don't know how to spell his name, but hot new zealand guy's dick is magic
Why would he get rid of a girl with no gag reflex? I don't get it.
I'm sitting by myself in my bra eating a waffle and drinking pineapple rum. gamedaaaayyyyyyy
This is your liver's 7:15 wake up call. Mandatory margarita popsicles after work today. Rule #71: no excuses, play like a champ!
hungover waitressing a bar association event. im being judged by actual judges.
Bonding with my year old cousin over the fact that we both shit ourselves. Babysitting like a bosss
And one night I got way too drunk and thought he said call me a polish name so I called him Konrad. Now he thinks I cheated on him with a Konrad.
That's my new pick up line call me a polish name
Do you remember when I didn't post that pic of you fucking an avocado on your boss' desk? Can you return the favour?
Don't tell me you're on acid again
i thought this was a perfectly normal conversation between two adult men about why this children's cartoon is quality television but no you just gotta be talking shit again
Optimism doesn't exist before 2pm nor do any other emotions.
Randomize
