my girlfriends now gay ex-boyfriend kissed me. tell maddie i can't hangout today
Unless I'm getting a singing midget telegram, I'm not going to smile
I just did something awful... i just had to tell someone... i just used my brothers electric face cleaner as a vibrator
I just recycled a years worth of liquor bottles. I can feel my alcoholic carbon footprint shrinking
Just asked the bartender if I could use the register to see my grades.
Oh nbd. She just had sex with a divorcee. On a charter bus. At 10 a.m. On a Thursday.
OH BABY IM HERE AND IN A BLANKET FORT
COME TO THE BLANKET FORT
You were running around waving the flier in everyone's face and thats how we ended up in a church eating free breakfast tacos at 3 am
then looked at this little girl next to me and was like "don't drink when you get older and don't let your best friend be with assholes." she looked at me like i was crazy
Last night turned out to be an expensive trip to your house between the ticket and the plan b. (Well I haven't gotten that yet)
I could fuck to npr.
Yeah, I probably need some combination of electric shock, massive quantities of LSD, and enough couch time time to make Woody Allen say "Enough".
i think im in europe. pls send help
Just googled myself and a bunch of boob shots of me came up. Apparently my phone automatically uploaded them to my google plus.
Please google me ASAP and ensure I corrected this...
Will you PLEASE get your mom to stop telling me I'd make a great husband? She knows I'm gay, right?!
I know, but she really likes you. Have you met my brother yet?
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