turkey basters and jungle juice, is that really the whole shopping list for new year's?
i'm surprised you didn't wake up. like i literally came when he was fingering me as i was spooning with you and all you did was mumble "that's a good idea, mom" and pull the sheets away from me.
Listen to me plotting my whoredom.
I think, at this point, getting pissed and declaring my love via reality TV would be an improvement
I think i should wear mittens next time we have sex.
I understand that just don't try to seduce me while making frozen pizza again.
fyi, pepper spray hurts. whoever comes up with the best backstory wins a prize.
I ate so much cake that I can't even enjoy a blowjob
That's the most first world problem I've ever heard in my life.
So our night ended with 6 cruisers, a fire truck, and an ambulance. Also, lots of blood. How was yours?
And he claims I gave him “fuck me” eyes while he was ordering me a happy meal
i have a strong feeling that today will be a naked day for me...i don't feel like doing shit
I woke up with a pillow, shampoo and a plant in my fridge. Eggs in the toilet, and I was wearing three pairs of girls underwear. What happened last night
i really love you but i feel kinda dumb about it
People probably think I’m a fangirl bc I go to so many shows but it’s really bc I like fucking the tour manager
as a lesbian i'd like to thank joe biden and also america for giving us this absolute MILF for a VP
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