a guy named alex was hitting on my friend tonight. he doesnt work on wind turbines tho.
Who pooed in my magic bullet?
Sorry the bathroom was being used.
she texted him the burrito order while she was puking in the Del Taco parking lot...
Whatever. I'll let someone else deal with his flacid penis.
Postcard from jail please. Reserving a spot on my fridge.
What do you mean how did you end up there? You told him he had a face you'd like to ride, that's a deal sealer in any language.
Nothing is more awkward than taking a dump while someone is crying in the bathroom.
I gave him my yeast infection. HOW THE FUCK DOES THAT EVEN WORK?
Are you proud of yourself?
ask me again when I'm drunk. Then fuck off.
I just need you to stay far enough away that I can't smell your cologne. I completely forget that I fucking hate you as soon as I smell it.
I need a life alert for his random dick pics. My heart can't handle that.
I bought the restaurant a boat airhorn to wake up sleeping employees.
I love you
I don’t know whether to call out sick or call in drunk
yep, just sat in the backseat of my car for about five minutes looking for the vodka soaked underwear,when i came to the realization that i really gotta start getting my shit together..
Note to self: NEVER have sex with anyone who is experiencing explosive diarrhea.
I've never been so happy to be celibate.
Randomize
