I ran out of diet so I'm mixing captain with a juice box. Being a mom has finally paid off.
you took a scissor and started screaming "I WANNA KNOW WHAT ITS LIKE TO BE BALD"
She solidified the fact that the icon from Wendy's is the only ginger I care for
Hurricane Earl: Get Blown party at my house friday! Byob: bring your own bitch/booze. Must have 80s blown hair style, kazoo/noise maker (vuvuzelas/airhorns are allowed), and/or bubble wands. \n
Why am I even shocked you're doing this....
I am currently listening to someone take a shit. I hate the hole in the ceiling.
My last google search was 'bulk asian wives' I don't know either
please come home... she's showing me videos of spanish parrots and is telling me about her dead cousin...
Would you be offended if I asked you to smoke a blunt with me while I pooped?
A houseboat for a bachelor party is a terrible idea, we nearly die when on dry land, so how the hell are we supposed to survive a 3 day binge on a massive lake?
FYI: telling a guy his dick is more impressive than you remembered it - they don't take it as a compliment.
I love that your nipples always taste like clean laundry.
just woke up under a car ? That's odd
Holy fucking shit
WAIT BUT IM WEARING A BACKPACK THAT MAGICALLY HAS 30 BEERS IN IT
He is a beautiful butterfly covered in tattoos and naked.
sorry i was ignoring you last night i accidentally did a bunch of pcp and thought i was inside tron
Jesus better clutch that motherfucking wheel, then.
I'M NOT PUTTING MY TRUST IN JESUS! I'M PUTTING MY TRUST IN YOU!
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