my boyfriend just said he'd go down on me if I gave him my password to facebook
I wish I could tape me & him having sex. Not for pornographic reasons, just for comic relief.
You keep asking me questions like I have this magical thing called a memory
everytime she opens her mouth i wish that i was deaf
He bought me a oreo ice cream cake with "thanks for not calling the cops!" written in icing. If that doesn't sum up winter break, I don't know what does.
I've wasted nicer days than this hungover and dry heaving in bed.
Walk of shaming dressed as a zombie hunter. This hangover feels like the actual apocalypse.
The sound of my own breathing is making my head throb. That hungover.
Let's get drunk and put things on the grill that have no right to be there.
Happy birthday, America.
How high is the bridge and how deep is the water and what are the chances I will get arrested
The woman in the flower onesie is claiming she hasn't been drinking.
I re-seduced my fuck buddy...must be the luck of the Irish!
I apparently asked the cab driver to show us his dick and then he showed me a picture of his girlfriend
Why do pants feel so unnatural once you enter your own house
dude it was our first time and her hair caught on fire from the candles on the nightstand
There is no way that actually happened!
the smell of burnt hair covered up the sweaty sex smell.
Randomize
