I may or may not have slept in someones apt on your street because they told me I was fun sized like a mini snickers
Don't bite the hand that gives you multiple orgasms
You came on your own forehead. Just wanted to remind you that.
Their car went through the first bag of wine on the drive up...clearly 6 bags was not enough.
Yes I want to fuck your friends but it's out of respect and love for you.
Want me to give your number to an army recruiter?
I don't know... do you want me to use your number to sell used gay porn on Craigslist?
I sense beginning a prank war would end badly for both of us.
Women are fucking wierd. I have forgotten this. Divorce papers should come with a handbook.
happy find a boyfriend by next Valentines Day. Its like a new years resolution but depressing
I swear she's a drunk klepto...by the end of the night she had stolen 3 bowling balls. HOW DO YOU STEAL 3 BOWLING BALLS?
Is adulthood just morning sex and then walking through the grocery store 20 min later looking for something to take to work for lunch?
...and then running into your dad at said grocery store...
I deleted his number so I had to go into my old voicemails which are saved through my gmail and search his name... Never underestimate the resourcefulness of a drunk girl on a mission for dick
We got out of the car in valet drinking beers we gave the valet one as a tip
We went rollerblading down high street singing "Free Falling"in ketchup and mustard costumes. A car full of guys drove by and yelled out their window "Need a hot dog with that?!" Naturally, we woke up at their apartment.
I think I'm a wingman for every guy who bangs a girl I scarred in highschool.
Why I hate online dating: not even one day in and a 57 year old asks me to call him "Daddy."
Randomize