i told her that i loved her pillow breasts and then she asked me if i wanted to motor boat them. so yea, i do need the room tonite.
I haven't shaved in at least a week, he said "obviously neither one of us was prepared for this"
if you spike my cofee one more time im gona fuck you up. im presenting to the mayor in sevven fucking minuets. fuck you and youir fucking bartending classses i am so fuckign fcked
I feel like I owe it to them to wear pants.
I just stood up and am wasted. I think I just admitted to my mom that I am trying to fuck everyone in New York because they're skinny and ethnically ambiguous. Meanwhile, happy hour isn't over yet.
He asked me to hum the Ghost Busters theme song as I was going down on him
All three of us got laid last night. This is what is commonly referred to as the Trifuckta.
After he finished he sang his college fight song like it was some victory
Trying to figure out what I just puked. Demon weed is salad. No more drunk buffets.
I don't need my coworkers thinking I'm a nutcase.
You gift wrapped a tampon.
Seriously. All I want right now is a 40 with a nipple on it, and a nap
I'll give you another blowjob if you bring me some cake.
Yo I'm lookin at the cows. They're just fucking docile things
And by "sexually intimate," you mean fuck buddies?
I’ll call you in a minute. Trying to book an AirBnB so I can finally bang the yummy guy from yoga
Your downward dog is going to rock his cock. I’m jealous
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