and that's why we call him explosion in my pants. no one remembers his real name.
Should I have kids to fix a relationship??
i paused nhl 10 while i jerked off and it was like a crowd was cheering me on
I might never shower again without beer.. I might also always drink naked
Dude you make losing your phone an art. You left it balancing on a two liter bottle in the kitchen. Wtf
He panicked, you ducked and I was coming off a 3 day coke binge. It was no one's shining moment.
I'm ordering a large vanilla ice cream with rainbow sprinkles so when I vom tonight it will look like lisa frank dolphins in acid trip colors
Sorry, not ignoring you.. We broke open the other piñata left from cinco de mayo and it was filled with condoms, mini booze bottles, and those little party horn things you blow into. You'll forgive me when we're fucking for days with all these free condoms.
I won the booty shaking contest by mooning the whole bar
Just dodged a state trooper, your weed will be there shortly. Fear the unbustable!
Come over. But instead of sex, will you rub anti itch cream all over my face?
You can either drink his whiskey or be a bitch. Doing both is just mean.
I just bought sparkling water with plan B. I am the most basic bitch to ever exist.
Got caught up in a real life love triangle. Both guys wanted me. I'm tempted to just run off with the cute girl from McDonalds instead
Please do that
but next to his bed he has a bible, and on the bible he has a pbr coaster and a condom. how can i stay mad at that? Its amazing.
Randomize
