I wish I could just thrust my cock straight into her new relationship.
Just got back from fathers day breakfast. So hungover i couldn't eat so i just slipped my food in my pockets and threw it out while i puked in the bathroom.
you're a fucking everclear ninja. the whole goddamn formal blacked out. you're the worst dj ever
but I'm the best friend ever. I got you laid
Oh my god. I just RAN OVER a child. Oh my god this isnt my day. That kid was cool as fuck though
My mom has finally acknowledged my soft spot for Russians. Finally.
you stole two subs and a drink from jimmy johns and walked out yelling "get at me bitches"
Passing out drunk in my therapists lobby may not be the best way to confirm my "stability"
Showing girls my stab wound was not the brilliant idea I thought it was.
I just walked out of the side door of the bar to come in the front door so no one would know I've been here drinking before our work meeting.
Having sex with him is like eating mayo. Don't think about it, just do it. It's worth it.
drunk and crying about Shakespeare- how's your night?
I JUST REALIZED THAT SINCE LEIA IS TECHNICALLY A PRINCESS AND KYLO REN IS HER SON AND STAR WARS IS OWNED BY DISNEY...KYLO REN IS LITERALLY A DISNEY PRINCE.
Oh my Gods. Why. Why did you have to tell me that. D:
SO YOU CAN SUFFER HAVING THAT KNOWLEDGE TOO.
I told my parents how nice the girl at the frogurt store was. I neglected to mention that I nearly lost my virginity to her via foursome.
The guy in the room next to me just offered to hide the next dose of morphine he will get for his broken leg under his tongue and then swap it with me in exchange for a roll of the good toilet paper my parent brought for me last they visited. The psych ward is a lot more hardcore than I thought.
Nah, just stick him in a closet with some cheetos, a blunt and soda. The darkness will calm him down until Mallory can be located.
Randomize
