I got called a slut by a bunch of girls that work at Hooters..wtf is that shit? explain that to me
Almost ran you over in the parking lot. You look good
theyre doing shots to celebrate her boob jobs anniversary.
you said grace in the diner. 5am, drunk, grace. you thanked the man w the mushroom cut for the wonderful supply of screwdrivers
history professor just told us he has magic fingers. i'm going for it.
i think im the only person who makes thank you cards for their drug dealer
Blood drive hookups: you will probably faint during the sex, but at least you know neither of you has AIDS
I'm eating dry tortillas on a mattress without a sheet. and i thought my life would change after graduation.
He told me that a camel appeared out of nowhere and it told him to quit smoking...
Birthday Treasure Hunt was to follow the clues. At each spot there was a stick on tattoo and a shot and at the end there was 2 cases of beer. I have 13 tattoos and don't remember turning 18.
Got an egg Mcmuffin combo, and put the hash brown in the sandwich. That level of hungover
I just realized that with the new snapchat update / emoji sticker thing I can now use easily use emojis to cover my boobs in nudes.
I threw up in the shower. I cleaned it all up and there is on mess at all. This hangover has become borderline religous. Powerful and life changing.
He got punched in the face last night? By who? I’ll invite him to our formal. Seriously.
I feel like that japanese guy who ate all the hotdogs. Except replace hotdogs with sailor jerrys. And instead of a trophy and world record I just get a hangover at work
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