Michael Bay is the white Tyler Perry.
so I told him I hadn't been laid since Bush was president. Right after he cums, he says "Welcome to the Obama Administration".
It wasn't really sex. It was just rolling around, trying to make sure his dick didn't end up in my ass.
we've decided whoever is stupid enough to use the condom that's tacked to the wall deserves to get pregnant.
Sorry, they don't make maternity Power Ranger suits...
Purse pizza: the pizza you buy before the club, and you eat on the train home. I thought you knew me by now!
Throwing up in his bed is not a step up in your relationship
We don't have sex anymore. We both agree that the olympics are more important to watch. All day. Also i don't look good compared to the athletes...
I'd rather blow Nickelback than be told he gave me gonorrhea. I'd even post it on Facebook for all of the world to like, share, and judge me.
I feel as though I look like a mom with a substance abuse problem
They filled a kiddie pool with lube and glitter.
I've officially slept with/dated two guys that have gotten tased. What the fuck is wrong with me
It's called life, you pretentious bitch. Grow up.
At some point you said you just wanted to get laid, so we had a moment of silence for your dead sex life...
My vibrator broke.
Dude it's been less than twelve hours. Did you sleep?
Don't worry about that. I need a new vibrator.
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