he is naked. in. my. bed. happiest day. of my. LIFE.
I swear to god he was trying to crawl under my door last night muttering "I'm Alex Mac! I'm Alex Mac!"
I think I ordered pizza when I got home. The email said the delivery time was noon today. So if that shit shows up I am the most amazing drunk on the planet.
You know its bad when convincing your mother you were masturbating is the better alternative
That's what you said about that spiderman stripper, but look how that turned out
im pretty sure the clearest way to say "dont worry, im not emotionally attached" was by sleeping with his roommate the next night
You went full blown lifeguard... You wouldn't let me sleep until I was in the safety position, so I wouldn't die in my sleep...
For the past year I have been the most responsible I have ever been in my entire life and now spring break is here and there is free penis just traipsing around my entire town. The game is afoot.
He just made my one night stand pancakes for breakfast. And I thought living with my ex was going to be weird.
I got so drunk that I peed my bed...and all over him. The ironic thing is that he slept in his swimming trunks.
PLEASE HELP ME THE AMERICANS ARE YELLING ABOUT TURKEY, I DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO
Don't judge me 👊🏼 his dick just whispers my name
Omg cinnamon bun Oreos. Thanks weed
In the last 3 weeks my drunken adventures have caused me to lose 2 credit cards, one debit card, a bracelet, two purses, and my $500 phone... Maybe i should quit drinking.
Just made my first drink, took 2 sips feel like god
Randomize
