i wish my apartment had room service that i didn't have to pay for.
Four minutes until I can fart!
she then came into the room and yelled I'M GOING TO BE A COCK BLOCK for 5 minutes
I'm not saying we can't have sex tonight, I'm just saying we have to work it around Lost.
I swear that when I have my own bathroom, I'm gonna lock myself in there and masterbate for at least 3 days in sheer appreciation of it.
Nothing good has ever or will ever come from 50 cent beers at the bowling alley..
He must have sensed I was about to trade him in...he's really stepped up his sex game
He bought segways. We ride them when we get drunk. Last night he ran through the sliding glass door.
Apparently "I have the beer shits" isn't the excuse my boss wanted to hear. So sue me
I'm not gonna get my cat high anymore because what if he has a heart attack. I don't want to be responsible for that shit
We need a shit load of segways right now
He skipped an important family function with his dying father to fuck me. Terrible human, amazing fuck buddy.
It was dumb but not something to force me into sobriety
Morning! Got your 3am VM to remind you to get up for spin class and also confirm you were not murdered by the sketchy guy at brunch yesterday. So this is your literal and metaphorical wake up call.
Hahaha wearing a fake moustache in public was the best idea i ever had
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