Tried killing a moth in our bathroom. Water everywhere. Don't worry about it.
Well that wasnt the exboyfriend i expected to hook up with today
Yeah I think we tried to use the shower curtain as a parachute because its tied to my backpack with some string. Dont know if anyone actually attempted it though.
if the best thing you can say about him is "he probably wont kill me" you may want to rethink hanging out with him
You were almost as fucked up as I was the night I hooked up with a bob saget look alike...
An there's a little girl across the bar eating Mac n cheese... #1 she won't stop looking at me. Boo bitch I'm drinking alone. #2 I'm about to tackle her ass for that Mac n cheese.
i climbed out of the bath tub this morning and found him taped to the treadmill
No. Her boobs are the one spot of warmth in my life right now and I will not let you take them from me.
They left at like 4. I got up to help clean their house this morning and we found his pants. No ones heard from him, we're all a little scared.
I'm afraid you are becoming too bourgeois with your switch from boxed wine to bottled.
So my roommate and I have a written agreement stating that if he tries to sleep with his ex girlfriend, I have to immediately intervene and nut punch him then send her on her way.
this is the most serious roommate agreement ever
I'm going to CVS to meet the Craigslist guy who is going to buy my underwear. If I don't text you within the next hour, plz assume that I have been abducted by a stranger with an underwear fetish.
We need to stop going on dates to the strip club.
The last person that asked me out got pushed down an escalator
How am i even supposed to meet his daughter? "Hi, Claire, I hear we have so much in common, like we both love your Dad and also we're almost the same age."
Randomize
