sorry I missed your bday party.,I was vid chatting with that new guy I'm talking to all night...happy biirthday though
so then she threw up in his asshole
yep..that'll do it.
Desperate + desperate does not equal a fun night.
i need a new camera phone. my pictures from last night are as blurry as my memories. and neither tell me why i woke up in an airplane hangar.
A 14 year old with a teardrop tattoo just tried to sell me weed. I'm in the wrong fucking neighborhood.
Can you still call it a wet dream if sandwiches were involved?
I'm doing this for my boobs. They miss him.
just woke up to a get well card i wrote myself when i was drunk. it was by the advil. i am a cocky bitch.
On the plus side I got to ride in a fire truck and I didn't have to blow anybody for it
Your wedding's just one more day in my life I can't wear sweat pants.
Between my vag yelling at me for having bad sex and my legs yelling at me for going to the gym I cant hear myself think.
I walked in and all four of you were covering your heads under the blanket singing waterslides in unison.
There is a mobile STD testing unit set up at my place of employment. In the lunchroom. I may need to reevaluate my career choices. And my lunch plans.
I fell down the stairs while taking the dog out last night. I was laying there with the dog licking me face and my neighbor just stepped over me
He told me he was gonna go wash a trailer and somehow I ended up eating vodka fruit with children in a green bean field.
Randomize
