my cat ate my toast this morning while i was getting dressed. i can already tell today is going to suck.
just left a line of flour and citric acid on the dresser for my roommate to find. teach that bastard to steal my coke!
Everytime I see a couple on campus walking and holding hands I just want to yell he's gonna lie!
You should get a handy in the street again, just to prove you've still got it.
It's only been a week and i've already broken my no summer randoms rule twice.
nah we got kicked outta the bar after the bouncer saw us putting straws up Chelsea's nose to make her look like a walrus after she fell asleep at the table
I just want a pillowcase full of fast food so I can eat and sleep this hangover away
July fourth my place, drunken bubble slip n slide. Yes this is happening and yes I am 31
Ask him to get me chedder bratwurst instead of the molly
Unless if you guys already left. Then I want the molly
I held the blackjack dealer's hand and told the old asian woman she was 'soft to the touch, but cold as ice"
My 12 o'clock class is an all star team of my ex's hook ups
When you wake up, I have a unicorn coloring book, crayons, mini cupcakes, and booze.
Drunk me has cost me a lot in cell phones...
We got high, had sex, and watched retro scooby doo shows. Best friends with benefits yet.
Just confirming I will be washing my asshole at your house at approximately 2:45 tomorrow afternoon.
The strangest confirmation message ever sent.
Randomize
