Alls I know is that his gf looked like Beyonce and he looked like Babar
i don't know whats more disturbing, that his dog drooled directly into my mouth or that i was too drunk and tired to do anything except let it be there.
I had to stop messing around with him for fear of laughing in his face. I swear it was a pinky finger in his pants
I just bought 1/2 a fifth of vodka out of an old school baby carriage from a homeless man. Gotta love this city.
He ran into the room yelling "attack! Attack!", jumped on top of me on the air mattress, popped the air mattress, and then we had victory sex, because he was proud of popping it.
I think, at this point, getting pissed and declaring my love via reality TV would be an improvement
We tried to hook you up with a girl but you said you'd rather fuck the large muscular black man because "At least he'd be tight". He was the bouncer, he heard you.
I mean technically the bite was both in my nose and on the outside of it. I thought I was going to need stitches or something.
Why was his mouth around your nose anyways?
It was just one of those nights, man.
The alcohol tastes like we did a beer run at the nail salon
Just got a motivational speech from the tacobell drive thru guy at 2am
Mischief managed.
YOU ARE NOT A MARAUDER, WHAT THE FUCK DID YOU DO NOW?
What?? I could've slept with an ordained minister!
My dad is clearly baked off his ass. He almost sat on moms cat in front of her, zoned out while staring at it and said he wondered what it was thinking about. Now he's dragging everything from the livingroom into the garage. Moms not happy.
There are only a few things more freaky than wandering around a zoo drunk.
I puked on someone's floor last night and then they proceeded to ask me on a date.
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