As of this morning, vodka still has the other side of my BFF necklace. She treats me right.
Umm ok I'm kinda freaked out right now bc the chick that lives next door is either having tantric sex or slowly suffocating her dog to death.
you made a powerpoint titled 'things i've drank tonight' and emailed it to me.
Just found a "how to get laid" book on the dresser and am now a victim of method number 16 corollary 7.
I can't begin to describe what I look like walking through the grocery store with this outfit and chocolate syrup.
Can we make a sex game out of monopoly somehow?
I always ask when they're due. It's the nicest way for me to let her know the rest of the world can tell she's putting on weight too
Neil John just started open mouth kissing everyone to make sure they are safe.
You gave him that scrunchie you made and called it your "sex offering".
What's more sad than going to Target to buy Plan B and the new Sam Smith album?
How awkward is it to have the guy you used to sleep with congratulate you on your engagement? I'll tell you. Very.
He hit me up on Grindr and called me "bro." I just have to assume that the sex is going to be bad.
I want to respect them as people, but really I just want to have sex with them.
Based on my calculations, I should be blackout by approximately 11:14pm and that's when I need you to take my phone away from me. Mkay?
Yeah I knew you'd like him. He's emotionally and physically self destructive.
We would have so much to talk about!
Randomize
