I just saw the dad from "Little People Big World" at the airport. I chased him down and congratulated him for beating the DUI.
I want to start this convo out by apologizing for the broken toaster.
Should we pre-order food to the ER for cinco de mayo?
You dont realize corn stalks will cut until you run from the cops through a corn field.
My bed smells like stale sex...I want it to smell like fresh sex, I miss you.
I have a weapon and I'm not blacked out. Good as gold
The extent of "getting it in" was this creepy guy sticking his finger in my bellybutton
Don't call police on the strange man passed out in his car in the driveway. I'll be home around noon to collect him.
I rode home in a shopping cart so there's that. MVP to the guy that pushed it.
I'm actually glad the whole thing's over now. It's exhausting to fake a pregnancy.
Imagine not having to fake it.
Yeah, I should never have kids, probably.
I'd date him. I'd date the fucking shit out of him.
I feel fine lol. I tried climbing a tree but the branch broke and I got arrested.
Are you really trying to argue your case that you seduced my cat?
The wedding is over. Operation sleep with my step-sister has officially begun
It seems I've entered my 21st birthday the same way I entered this world: naked, crying and smothered in someone else's bodily fluids...
Randomize
