So she couldn't stop dragging her teeth while she was blowing me.
Ahh dude, that fucking sucks, what'd you do about it?
Decided to drag my teeth while eating her out... She got the point.
1.) You left the rest of your whiskey here 2.) I drank your whiskey 3.) then made a steam roller out of the bottle 4.) Everything tastes like whiskey
apologized to him about 10 times for being drunk. told him about 15 times that he was "really pretty"
Don't mean to be rude. But did you, by any chance, cut down a tree from my neighbors backyard last night? And did you also drag it to my yard and burn it?
It hurts to peel the glue off my chest and i keep finding glitter in my hair.
I just wanted to decorate you...
Don't talk about his dick. That's mine. There's a copyright on it. Use with permission
I'm not sure that our 12-years-ago-high-school-"relationship," and 179 texts in the last 4 hours is gonna be enough to squeeze a naked smartphone picture of me. I'm gonna need some chicken wings or Makers Mark before that starts happening.
We decided this year instead of not participating in Halloween at all we are going to hand out free beers to the parents.
I took Xanax and it did nothing to me. First sign I'm crazy and actually need it.
I may or may not have just hot boxed a backhoe on the construction site of a police station that's being rebuilt..
Aka reading hardcore gay robot porn as a steady trickle of elementary schoolers walk by me every so often and im still in uniform as there councilor
Who is also still dressed up as a pirate
Currently watching Zombie Sharks while high. This is why I love Shark Week.
So then we ended up at a bar full of navy SEALs and I got one of them to take his shirt off, then I felt him up
I feel like 31-year old me is 21-year old me's hero
She was just trying to do dick voodoo. Pretty standard stuff.
I’m going to lick a fucking door knob when this shit is all over
Probably Waffle House
Randomize
