I mixed the ketchup wit the mustard in one bottle to save time making hotdogs
I actually had no interest in him until he started talking about his 4 arrests. That made him go from a 5 1/2 to a 8, easily.
my mom noticed the "toothpaste" stain on my tshirt...she repeatedly attempted to get it off by licking her thumb and rubbing it. See Jenn it obviously doesnt taste that bad...
He just stabbed two olives and a pickle with a fork and deep throated it in front of my family
Not even marginally surprised
...She just said, "We've been blessed with good drugs lately."
I dont know, but the way you were flopping around and gurgling made me scared that you were actually drowning in the carpet.
Accidentally peeing a little on the couch in the middle of a sneeze is way different from railing a random on our waffle counter. I am the better roommate.
is there a way to sugar-coat "shes in jail" when someone is texting me asking where their friend is?
You were dancing with his friend and you stopped to literally push the girl he was dancing with out of the way to make out with him
Thank you for FINALLY joining the Slutasorus Rex club in this conversation.
She made this little rubber cap thing that looks like a brain to go on my dick. She calls it a "penis cap". Industrial design students are weird...
We just had an accidental Facebook titty pic scare.
you ever just feel like an organ is failing?
I am at a point in my life where I don't want to brush my teeth for my tinder date because toothpaste and martinis don't mix.
I'm just happy stripping was the reason you fractured your hand
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