We fish bowled my car and anna told us a story about time travel and part of it had people melted into the side of a boat and i imagined them being melted into my car moaning in pain and then we got scared and thought zombies were outside and couldn't leave for a while.
I just found 51 cents in my bed. Did you leave me a tip?
there really is only one way to give a PowerPoint presentation in your senior capstone class: still drunk.
could hear acupuncture therapist getting blown in the next room over the whale music
ALSO, I NEED TO BORROW A CAT. ASAP
You slid down the bannister into a split. Lines were crossed.
I seriously just caught my Pina colada from falling of a table perfectly facing up. I will now reward myself by finishing this one and then getting my 8th
I don't know which is worse, the fact that he can say will you fuck me in so many languages or that I'm turned on because of that
I just found out who gave her jelly shots. You owe me a new mattress.
Duuuuuuuuuuck. and by that i mean fruuuuuuuuck. and by that i mean fuuuck
Not going to lie: not even the fact I'm wearing men's cargo pants can hide the fact I have an awesome ass.
I would rather her be sleeping with someone new than getting to go Harry Potter world before me...
Dude I just clenched/unclenched my hindquarters while looking in the mirror I have fucking talent
I learned three things this morning. Don't get out of my car without my keys, don't let a girl paint my nail unless I'm getting laid by said girl, and lastly I learned how to break into my own car.
Is there a number of dicks a girl can have in a weekend before it becomes unacceptable? Asking for a friend
Remember! It’sa long weekend and a holiday weekend and it’s America’s birthday! So don’t short change me!
I thought you were asking for a friend
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