The producers of Marley and Me owe me about $5 million. That's the dollar amount of embarrassment compensation required for making a 24-year-old male cry publicly on an airplane while sitting in the middle seat between a gorgeous babe and a guy with a do-rag
Ate lunch. Still drunk. Keep forgetting I'm in Texas but then I look around at the people and remember.
Repeat the weekend mantra. "I like boys with teeth, I need boys with teeth, I deserve boys with teeth, I will have boys with teeth".
They have a booking log online so i can just check that instead of call
Technology: making bailing your sister out easier since 2008
doing an easter egg hunt in a liquor store right now. i feel so adult
Idk. I was speaking metaphorically. Go for it. As one of your bad decisions, I feel confident in saying you've done worse.
When I'm famous, she'll look at her kids and go "I saw her buttcheeks beefore she was famous. I'm truly blessed."
What I do when I'm blackout drunk is none of my business.
tell her i changed her phone's unlock password to be the length of my fully erect penis in centimeters. I'll be in my room for the next two hours.
Apparently I really was petting a bunny named lazarus in Jimmy Johns last night.
We had sex during an intermission, then the second period. The bruins better win. Missing a period isn't worth having sex with him
Hey are you going to the pride parade? If so get me a shit ton of condoms
the next thing I knew, I was on the floor of a Tim Hortons bathroom in Canada.
I woke up in bed spooning a vacuum cleaner
I think sunday funday got a little out of control. There is cheese slices and BBQ sauce all over the roof and 4 empty bottles of vodka in my room.
Randomize
