yo dude i was totally schwabbin last night.
what does that even mean?
you ever see those charles schwabb commercials, where the people are like half cartoon half real.... well yeah i saw that in real life.
so I was thinking like, Rob Pattinson could make so much money whoring himself out dressed as Edward Cullen.
yeah, I mean if he's down to fuck a lot of fat chicks and stare at Tiger Beat posters of himself above the bed...
I literally made his dick bleed. How the fuck do you think it went?
We woke up in an inflatable kiddie pool full of both empty and full beer cans. In the middle of his dad's office. Oh, and we were locked in. Nobody remembers.
She's either too fat to type, hammered or has terrible spelling.
Ed's in which sucks about a thousand cocks... But thats 1800 less than working with Alex so it's gonna be a good day
On the way home she put on a necklace with her name on it and wrote my name in sharpie across my chest so that in the morning we could avoid the awkward Idk who the fuck you are conversation. Best. Girl. Ever.
Sorry I can't go bowling with you guys. I'm getting daytime dick. That's the best kind.
nana can keg stand better than me. should i be proud?
Hold on - sidebar. My best friend just threw a 40 pack of condoms through my window.
come home. i made deep-fried hotdogs; don't let me die alone.
New fuck buddy and long time fuck buddy are carpooling home for thanksgiving. #10hrconvoaboutmyblowjobskills
Well you fished my watch out of a possibly vomit filled toilet so I think we're bros now.
I just bought a butt plug on Amazon prime day and you're the only person I felt would appreciate that decision
My mom just asked if I wanted a mimosa when I got out of the bath.
I think everything's gonna be okay.
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