I was so hungover I threw up on her when she answered the door. i don't think it was a good first impression
I feel like a great embryo-shaped weight has been lifted off my shoulders.
we found his I.D. in the upstairs bathroom...under a towel in a hidden pile of snacks from her kitchen
yeah we were the ones eating jello shots out of the back of a jeep in the bar parking lot
So then you challenged the bartender to an arm wrestling contest for a free bottle of vodka
Sweet. Did I win?
Youre hungover arent you?
Come my child we shall walk thru the pasture of amazing sex and corndogs. Hint:some corndogs are not corndogs.
Just gave my liver a good luck and I'm sorry speech
And really all I wanted was to be like "hey can I borrow your dick for a few hours this weekend?"
after giving head I just always feel like I need like. ice cream. as both a means of getting the lingering sperm out of my mouth, and a congratulations.
Ive never seen one person more proud of themselves of peeing in public and getting away with it.
The ONLY reason I am doing laundry is because all my sweatpants are dirty.
After fooling around at the hotel til dawn, I managed to feed her with my free buffet passes. Tastes like sweet victory.
I just found those cheese sticks in my purse. Along with a handful of confetti.
I wish so many great beards were not attached to even greater jerks. All that face sitting potential wasted. Some of the greatest tragedies of this century.
How did I get home last night?
We put your keys on a lanyard that asked anyone that found you to bring you home. A nice man in a cape, green shorts and a mesh shirt dropped you off this morning.
Oh. Yeah. Riiiggghhht
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