Be careful down there, Shane may have pooped on the carpet.
I am stoned and watching Pocahontas. I am letting the kids eat whatever they want. I am the best babysitter in the whole wide world
I knew the night had taken a turn when we showed up and our flabongo was being chilled in the freezer.
Somehow I magically turned down a threesome last night. On my birthday. You're a horrible wingman.
So I found "Fat chicks in saran wrap" in my search history.
That's all you talk about when you are wasted.
The bachelorette party was all fun and games until the strippers came. AKA you guys.
I apologize for chief "dances with dolphins" sucking on your friends foot
Her roomates have been scoring her hookups. I got 8.9, best of the week!
The cop actually kicked the bitches out of the cab so we could get ours. I flipped them all off as the door was shutting. That drunk.
I think cutting a patient out of a owl costume is a first for those guys. It's a good story at least.
Why did you load my phone up with pics of Al Gore?
You tried to wave to Meg on Family Guy and got upset because she wasn't waving back
i just realized... if i ever hook up with someone on my bed, we'll be fucking atop my animated batman themed bedset.
No, it's like a legit blood drive. It's not just her out in some parking lot with needles and ziplock bags
I'm going to get drunk, come back, call my grandma, and eat all those scrambled eggs.
I swear my vagina needs to be taken away from me when I drink.
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