He spelled "beautiful" wrong in his text
turn left when you see the girl thats puking on the sidewalk. she hasnt been moving much so she makes a good street marker
I jerked off enough times today to safely commit to the fact that im not getting laid tonight
There are drunk kids outside our building hugging that cop that's always on his bike as he's citing them for public drunkenness. It's not even 11 am.
i looked up and she was looking over the stall watching me pee and told me to unlock the door. that dedicated to sucking my dick.
I can't feel my tongue. And that means go. Green means go. And you know what Barney says. Green means go and woah means no. DRIIIIINKK
I've already dropped her on the ground of a crowded bar dancing , been incoherent drunk to the point i couldn't speak and came within 2 seconds all on separate evenings so at this point she should know what I'm about
I had 17 beers 2 days ago. I'm not dad material yet
I'm suffering a hangover from deep within. I feel like the half of the parts of my body are permanently laced with alcoholic substances
You spent like 10 minutes trying to hit a golf ball that was actually a cigarette butt. And then fell over.
tried to suck my ex boyfriends dick last night at a bar... Happy homecoming from me to you
If I could go one week without being called a maneater or a spanish trolip that would be great.
I really don’t want to have kids.
I thought we agreed we were done with dirty talk for the day
Just got back from a Walmart run. The music went straight from Kid Rock to John Phillip Souza. If that doesn't scream 'MURICA I don't know what will. Happy 4th!
Sorry dude, one minute I was flirting with a bachelorette party from Dallas and the next I’m being tied to the bed by the bride
Trying to wrangle us an invite to the wedding
Randomize
