Tried killing a moth in our bathroom. Water everywhere. Don't worry about it.
I thought at least he would want to exchange numbers after he tried to put it in my bum
He looked me in the chest and said "I think I was visited by the titty fairy last night"
im a genious. moved my bed and mirror so i can watch the game while Fucking
She ordered a salad and a budweiser. I love her.
today is my dealer's birthday. i dont know whether to give him the day off or call him saying happy birthday ill take a quarter please
i guess i had fun last thursday night because when i got on the drunk bus this thursday night everyone immediatley started chanting my name and telling me to do a bus flip
whats a bus flip?
idk but apparently i invented it
Last night must have been awesome, my dog still smells like vomit.
My mom and I were trying to explain to my sister what an uncircumcised penis looks like. We had some minor disagreements.
WHY DO SO MANY HOBOS THINK I'M CUTE.
The worst thing about him living around the corner is that who ever suggests the booty call is the one that walks over.
Cocaine and dance dance revolution for 4 hours. I consider last night a success.
How can I prove that I give 401k advice and not handjobs?
Nothing ruins your day more than waking up to you dogs crotch in your face
You know that panicky moment when you go home with a guy and realize you’ve been there before?!? HAPPENING RIGHT NOW!!!
Turns out I banged his son a few months ago but the kids back at college so I don’t have to worry about him walking in while Dad has me bent over the couch
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