I dont shave on purpose to keep myself from being slutastic!! it usually works
Thats about the time I should have known you would run around naked and try to make out with my sleeping mother
Just did a line with a monopoly bill. Tell me I'm not fancy.
You drunk yet?
Nope. Give me two hours then delete my texts before you read them.
Cant make any promises.
My dry heaving is complicating my ability to speak.
Dude, I went home and roller-bladed into her bedroom so I didn't have a 'walk' or shame in the morning..I wouldn't talk to her unless she refereed to me as Brink
Honestly, It follows the same rules as Cock Roulette.
So the bartender tried kicking me out but i screamed im an RA you cant kick me out
Well, I watched a girl proposition a shit ton of people, try to take a cocktail waitresses job and then proceed to walk into a wall. Damn, I'm a little jealous.
Fucking holidays. How do I have this many men who want to fuck me and none of them are available when I'm ready to blow my top?
Mom has wine in a to go cup. It's that kind of night.
I traded some nice guy at the bar ten bucks and a pack of cigarettes for his leather jacket. I'm pretty sure I win at life. Whoever is in my phone as Tyler Durden, I thank you.
Also: that bruise on my leg where you left like 3 sets of teeth marks keeps getting run into the corners of desks and shit. And I can't even complain to anyone at work
He said I have the “Denzel Washington” of vaginas.
I just puked on the sidewalk. At 11am. Thought you'd like to know.
Just found out I lit my hair on fire last night.
Randomize
