the police officer looked at my vomit and told me "milk was a bad choice"
I knew the cheap date at Taco Bell would backfire because it makes even the most pre-cautious girls involuntary fart in public
I am not one to point fingers but since it says your name "wuz here" next to the dick drawn on my stomach I am holding you personally responsible.
False alarm it was margarita mix all over my hands not blood
Can you pinpoint the moment you decided it was acceptable to trade blow jobs for beers or was it a gradual slide?
I knew you would eventually ask my secret. Pedialite mix drinks. Works wonders.
its weird that my cat bites every fat chick i bring home. i repeat every fat chick, qhT KINDA FRIEND ARE YOU
think of it as grooming, as if he is my Kate Middleton and I'm grooming him to be a presentable princess
Note to self: trying to grow pubes back = worst decision of 2014 thus far
Can we talk about the fact that a stranger is doing a line of coke off our living room table right now?
Burritos, beer, and hot tub sex. Merry Christmas to me.
I ditched my one night stand in the hotel lobby. How did he add me on Snapchat?
My early Valentine's Day one night stand just took an uber home. Thank you, technology, for letting me enjoy this day in peace. 😍
So, looks like I managed to leave my bra in the boardroom after all the sex. FML.
I I was gonna wake him up with a blow job but I don't know how he would feel about it.
Randomize
