Ugh I just know that when I take off his pants his underwear will have Megan's Law written all over them.
Update: no underwear. Greeeeen light.
I woke up to 'call me' written in red lipstick on my chest. Thats the hottest/sluttiest thing ever. I win at LIFE!
Making the executive decision for drunk you to not sleep in the lofted bed that has no ladder
I now realize that they made gum to take the taste of dick out of your mouth.
The Swedes wanted a tensome.
I just don't want to have to pretend at every family function she brings him to that he didn't hit on me first
she hid the dish soap because she was afraid someone would confuse it with the margaritas and drink it instead. her reasoning was "theyre both soo pink...i cant tell them apart"
I don't care how many kiddie pools are in our house. One is too many.
When you guys came back from the bar, I thought everyone was a T-Rex - Thats why i was hiding under the table. Never doing shrooms with Drunk people again
Why I hate online dating: not even one day in and a 57 year old asks me to call him "Daddy."
Hey can you explain why there's a dissected coconut in my purse????
I find celibacy oppressive. Huge waste of my time and talents.
Thanks for ruining my life with your man penis
I really don't think my body can handle another night of drinking
Lol you talk like you have a choice
I am worried that I am gonna die before the weekend is over
I hate being the first one to text him all the time...I feel like Iook desperate to get laid when the reality is that im just really horny and he has a/c...
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