I love having a boyfriend. I just ate pancakes with regular syrup and chocolate syrup, I havent shaved my legs in a week, and Im still going to get laid tonight.
fuck. you.
Even though ive seen her get fisted by another girl at a party, shes still a doctor.
The arresting officer told me "you probably get this a lot, but you look like anthony kiedis".
I just want to do a slip-and-slide into a giant pool of jello shots right now.
He left a trail of vomit straight from our dorm to the bathroom. Looks like we have our identities for the rest of the year.
Something's wrong. Everything's on fire. Unless it was like that before. Then everything's alright.
some chick tossed a drink in your face at the bar last night. your mouth was opened so i think you ended up swallowing at least half of it. good job.
Well call me tomorrow, it's a great story that may lead to me being fired and/or possibly being buried in a shallow grave somewhere out in wine country.
She literally got down on all fours and I swear did a 360 degrees head rotation exorcist barf...and then moaned IT WAS THE TACO BEEEELLLLLL
so no, not her best night
You were holding up a boot and yelling boot gang
Idk I somehow continue to get laid by pulling my dick out and reciting the 3 world country orphan kid commercials
I'm afraid I might run into that fat chick that sucked on me in the hospital parking lot while her friend cried in the car next to us, but I may be willing to take that chance.
I've literally exhausted all the videos on pornhub. It took like 4 years, but I've done it. I did that quicker than I finished college
Drinks have officially taken priority over self-respect, and I'm not even all that torn up about it.
Love that I’m sending my uber driver a thank you message for taking me home via mcdonalds tonight before I’m messaging my date from tonight! Lol
Randomize
