I'll collect that couch/porn sloopy beedge tomorrow just FYI
Just remembered throwing your phone at your face in a half-drunk stupor the other morning when your alarm went off. Thought I should apologize.
the cops didnt even wait to start drinking the confiscated alchohol from the party
Whoever had sex in my bed during the party last night left a glow in the dark condom on my floor. I'm not even mad anymore, I just want to know who it is so they can tell me where to get one.
Would you like me to write a persuasive essay on how you should let me suck your dick?
Note to self: do not ride giant beanbag chair down stairs.
I don't think you should be sorry for such memorable sex that I yell your name when you aren't around.
I just watched in amazement as you had a full conversation about water temperature and bacteria with your pet goldfish.
I will turn myself into a beacon of get at me bro
I should probably stop opening conversations with 'guess who's horny'.
Dislocated my knee during sex, popped it back in and kept going. Then got simpathy chipotle out of it too.
Who gets call-your-ex-from-4-years-ago drunk on a Thursday??
We were in the uber and you were crying because you wanted to be an Olympic gymnast. The driver tried to console you and you just cried harder
it wasnt weird until his dog watched upclose as i put a tampon in
They call you PBJ boy because you were trying to seduce me with pieces of a peanut butter and jelly sandwich. Successfully might I add.
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