Just pulled my keys, cell-phone and a pack of cigarettes out from between my cleavage. This one guy's face was priceless.
there's no toilet paper. I'm using wheat bread.
This is the first time since last march I'm gonna be going to a class for more reasons than wanting to bone the girl sitting next to me.
I bruised my spine.. Jungle gyms were clearly not meant for sex.
Ended up at a lesbian bar and almost got stabbed in the eye with a dart. Weirdest bachelor party ever.
why would you automatically assume i'm high...
you just told me you're eating the powder of a lemonade mix.
Seriously. All i can say is im covered in mud, my jaw hurts, i cannot straighten my arm, egg is everywhere, and there is a dead squirrel.
Typing up notes at the bar and doing shots with the bartender until close on a Wednesday. This is what my second year of law school has become.
Apparently I missed the "You may have to jack off a horse" part of the application.
Says the girl who left her friends to go have phone sex in the bathroom at Michael's
Come on kid, foreplay is elementary stuff. It's a vagina, not a sphinx.
I think I almost ran over some kid I went to high school with. Guilt factor: moderate to low.
The last time I saw her someone was carrying her on a bike and she was yelling that she was E.T.
Oh you know, we just bobbed for apples in a bucket full of jungle juice. So, a casual Tuesday night.
He fucks strippers and doesn’t have a life plan. Of course I’m going to regret this
Randomize
