I had to puke in a pizza box on the drive home. People saw.
I hate when you've made an ugly girl's day by having sex with her, and then she gets greedy and wants to cuddle after you cum.
You'd think with all the porn he watches he'd be a little better at this...
So, do you know where my left shoe is? I mean, we were at a few places last night, and I called them. No luck for me.
James and whatshisface bought me drunks. I am drinks.
Drank another frat president under the table. Thinking of starting my own, gonna call it Alpha Phi Alcoholics
I wonder if she thought to herself "I'm gonna sleep with that guy tonight" when she watched me puke on the bar at 3 in the afternoon?
Just had a thought: were the sirens on when we were in the ambulance?
Home safe. Psyche shattered. Still rolling. In love with the morrocan rug in the living room.
We realized he wasn't with us anymore, so we turn around and he's 20 feet back, peeing on a squirrel.
I'm really good at handling things like foreskin and speech impediments.
Just ate a chocolate chip cookie upside down. This is what having a degree does for you.
He woke up & asked where his pants were then asked where he was then asked who I was. Been married 20 yrs. He was drunkest ever.
I am about five seconds from ripping off my clothes and throwing myself into the ocean to become a mermaid
How much weed should I buy my mom for her birthday?
Randomize
