Swine flu is the new snow day.
Getting a high five from your dog when you're stoned is one the greatest rewards of being a pet owner.
The man at the Honda dealership told me I smell like vodka and probably shouldn't be driving.
i definitely just woke up with half of a cigarette tucked underneath my balls. Last night must have been interesting
It's not my theme song, it's my blowjob song. There's a difference.
I just wanna go home eat some pizza rolls, get warm and jerk off, and it's only 845. This shit was supposed to make me see unicorns. Not cry
I wonder what my nutrition professor is going to think when I have to put 21 keystone lights, a bottle of merlot wine, and 5 rum and cokes and 4 shots of tequila on my dietary analysis
Sorry my hands just texted you
And I'm still awake, and you left me. Like the guy on Jurassic Park, that jumped out of the car expecting me to save myself while there is a man eating T-rex ready to tear my ass apart except theres a mathematician and paleontologist there to save me because they are bad asses.
Just sent my cousin to buy me a new bra cause mine is zip tied to a bar in the middle of nowhere Iowa
What would you say is a healthy ratio of sex vs. being called a fucking asshole in a relationship?
Company meeting and there he was. Felt a little weird like 'last night you were telling me how your dick loves me, and now we're listening to a report on sales figures'.
Life lesson: if a hot naked girl tells you to spit on something, you spit on it. No questions.
Uess honpr I rememebrt hEzS cuter
You'll have to translate that into sober in the morning.
Well... Chad blew off half of his hand last night. We were able to find most of it.
Randomize
