I would like to remind you that Mike's hard lemonade only goes good with an extra light cigarette and seminal fluid.
vicodin is the reason why I believe in magic
Vodka + horseback riding = vomit in the saddle bags
Does my status still say I suck cocks? I don't know how to change it
Just witnessed a bar fight started by a guy wearing a construction vest cuz he didn't like the other guys shirt
Just made a memo in my blackberry that contains seth's funeral arrangements. I have a feeling he has big plans for the weekend.
The cops wrote boobs in the police report. ...vandalism is our calling
The more I think about it, the more convinced I am that I'm the solution to all of T-Swift's guy problems.
My dad lost his bandaid somewhere in the turkey. It was a mixture of thanksgiving and an Easter egg hunt
Do you want me to add this to the list of actions I will state at your intervention
Here's an unsolicited pic of my tits, because you almost died last night.
Like when your most normal sex dream is you being a prostitute, you know it's been one long ass dry spell.
And when were you going to tell me to stop dancing on his coffee table singing "come on irene?"
Only true party girls take their birth control with Smirnoff.
I don't care. It's wine Wednesday get your gameface on.
Randomize
