Just spent the rest of my time at that bar trying to keep a probs underage closet gay from touching my kitten to prove he still likes girls.
I have the worst wedgie. Seriously. Its horible. And there are people everywhere around me.
Slide your hand down the back of your pants and shift to the side slowly
...are you coming on to me?
Canada: barely better than America at a sport they invented.
Bro I can't jerk it to my phone anymore. I feel Siri staring back, and she's real disappointed.
Ok I have to ask, whose idea was it to used crushed up norcos as margarita salt? And what did they say to convince everybody else to think it was a good idea?
i made sure not to drool on your bed by putting my hoodie on backwards and swaddling my face in the hood
Just woke up from a dream where I had lesbian sex with myself (a clone of me)... Take that, Freud!
I'm not going to say what I did. You're smart enough to figure it out. But I did it. And you owe me 20$
I went by my nickname in rehab. It made it feel more like summer camp.
FUCK YOU VODKA I'M TRYING TO ADULT RIGHT NOW
I forgot to tell you that he serenaded me with "Fuck Her Gently" by Tenacious D. And I didn't hate it.
Hope you are okay. You were running down the street with shopping cart at one point and yelling "bitches aint shit!"
They just made me take another shot and I found out the liquor store next to my brothers house has a petting zoo
Mind. Blown.
I got a gay guy to motorboat me. These tits could change the world, I'm telling you.
I've been in town for almost 36 hrs and I haven't made out with a stranger yet - I consider THAT a record!
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