I was just at the urinal, started to go, then farted, then said oh yea out loud, then heard someone move in the stall behind me
i came out of the bathroom and he had christmas lights wrapped up his leg, around his boner, and down the other side
some guy just walked up to the bench i was on, backflipped off of it, gave me his number and walked away....i love this city
It's official. I am the proud owner of his very own sex tape. Amateur awesome porn or awful delete-me-now porn? Come over help me decide.
he turned two sober chicks into 7 drunken girls...he's my hero
Been in the ER for 3 hours now. This hospitals transition to paperless is not going well. But my doctor looks like Elton John and just gave me percocet
duuuude the clock in this car says its 85 past 19.
dear god, who put you in a cab?
Its only 9:11 and I just somersaulted through a window. Its gonna be a good night
And before you knew it they were calling me the pussy usher or something like that
Hey... Tell me if you remember differently, but nobody truly saw me naked, right?
What's goes good with Everclear?
Pepto-Bismol and a sandwich.
There's a potato with a bite taken out of it in the kitchen
He can move his dick. Like on its own. WHY DID I NOT GIVE BLOWJOBS BEFORE?!
So I tried to catch a rabbit in Terraria & accidentally blew it up with a grenade made of bees. Monty Python would be proud.
I almost suffocated in that mask but she kept calling me Jeremy so I kept it on.
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