Oh man I wish you'd been in the car w/ me today. I followed a school bus home filled w/ young boys and I flipped them off the entire way. They loved it.
In Vegas, have spent the last 48 hours wearing a viking helmet and fanny pack. I consider this to be a career high since drinking is my career
did you know delaware is a STATE? HOLY CRAP! i didn't till i was hitting on this chick and asked her when she said she was from delaware, which state that was in. crazyness
this is never going to happen for me, I think he thinks I'm crazy
well you did scream "PLEASE! I'LL S YOUR D IN FRONT OF EVERYONE"
Ok lesson learned. Don't lick the spoon when making mushroom chocolates. The kitchen walls are melting.
i may have reached my "but im high so it's cool" quota for the month.
Is there a word for someone who only has sex with NFL prospects?
Woke up naked on my floor covered in cookies. We should celebrate fake hurricanes every weekend.
He said I was almost as good as the wheel chair sex he had the night before. Apparently I just cant compete with 4 wheels
You gave your boss a bj to get the safe employee of the month award?
At this point, if I'm not getting fucked by a man in ONLY cowboy boots, it's not worth it.
Like, you've got the smoothest dick in the west. Do you moisturize?
Yes I do
Hey can you send me a copy of my mugshot? I need it to prove a point
When I go out tonight I need to make sure to be really good. The Easter bunny doesn't deliver to jail
test was negative. but nancy drew has yet to solve the case of the missing period.
Randomize
