I love him more than I love myself. Which is a lot...Because I'm narcissistic.
he's a bartender at a gay strip club. maybe he can work his magic. with getting u in, not gay magic.
New favorite sorority...they made me pancakes in the morning and welcomed back the walk of shame girls with a round of applause
i need to break up with him. i realized this while i was making a mental grocery list while we were having sex. this is not the first time i've done that.
apparently "my dealer got arrested" is not an acceptable answer when mom asks "What happened? You look sad today"
Hey I have your shoes. Do you remember shouting "Police brutality!" when the bouncer was kicking you out last night?
IF I CAN STICK YOUR DICK IN MY MOUTH, I CAN STICK MY GUM ON YOUR NIGHTSTAND.
tried to chug a glass full of ice cubes. went better then expected.
Are you high?
The snorkel mask makes that pretty clear
The security deposit's gone, let's trash this motherfucker
We had sex to beyonce's "drunk in love" and then he order me pizza. It was perf
I don't know what the bubonic plague feels like- but I'm gonna guess its something like this.
An orgasm and grocery shopping is the appropriate start to every Monday.
So what's it like to be pregnant?
It feels like I'm hungover and when I was drunk I was kicked off a mechanical bull and then trampled.
you never know when your going to find a surprise from me in your bed...it keeps you on your toes.
Randomize