i can totally see doctors naming an STD after you
I was curling my hair today and I looked at my curling iron and thought...
You at least unplugged it right?
absolutely not. he will always be that kid that threw up a ham and cheese sandwich in fourth grade to me.
It's like Facebook knows when I'm about to masturbate and tells me to reconnect with exes.
you were asking all the dicks on chatroulette if they had daddy issues
She literally called herself a shamefully bad decision. Of course I slept with her. Best bad decision ever
Its so hard looking at my mom and pretending I'm not dying a slow death of binge drinking
his profile picture is him throwing up "#1" hands after his lax championship next to his coach that i fucked....embarrasing for him, yet ironically beautiful for me.
that freshman chick we always see on the weekends walked into art class wearing a jaegermeister shirt and holding a monster, which she proceeded to shotgun with a pair of scissors. It sickens me to know I will never achieve her level
I am currently explaining what double penetration is to the bridesmaid I hooked up with at my cousin's wedding. This is my life.
I walked in and saw him spread eagle on the couch beatin it, while he just pet the dog that sat there and stared. mom was pissed
it's a simple rule - pass out shirtless on the couch, become an airsoft target.
I owe a guy a shoe because I threw it over a fence. That is all.
Why do I even exist?
Someone drunkenly cleaned and organized my car last night... Nothing's missing, so that's a plus.
A condom just fell out of me. Happy Tuesday.
Randomize
