Just watched my manager erase "we've been 2 days wo an accident" and change it to "0" these ppl are too high.
at least franzia made me throw up pretty colors.
He really likes Obama...and Bill Clinton too. He said "I mean, how many presidents can say that they got head in the oval office?"
Soulmates.
I think I'm making progress on my commitment issues. I drunk made out with the same guy from last semester this weekend.
THEY WONT LEYT ME IN AND I REALLY NEED SOME FRUIT
I need a leash, or some shame. Maybe.
I guess I just laid down next to him with the entire pot of mac n cheese and started giving him a handie with one hand and eating with the other
Watched him slip somethin into her drink. Dragged him of his bar stool, punched him out, and told her what i saw. Bartender used some chemical to confirm presence of rophynol. Just woke up at her place
No teenage boy ever gets scared away from sex unless she is slipping a wedding ring on your finger or is killing your cat. I promise.
It has been so long since I got any action that I have decided to change my vagina's name from "the chamber of judgement" to "the cave of forgotten dreams".
Sometimes you just gotta fuck a has been local celebrity for your 15 minutes.
Apparently there's nothing on sonza for "giving a handjob while sunbathing"
WTF was I supposed to tell them? "hi mom and dad, this is some rando I met on the internet. please ignore the noises that will be coming from my bedroom for the next 60-90 minutes. kthxbye."
I accidently sent a dick pic to the group chat with her family. Right after they all said it was a pleasure having me for dinner. Wana drink with me?
So I missed the eclipse because I was masturbating.
Randomize
