I just tried to put my feet in my slippers and found cans of beer in them. Christmas in fucking july.
Did we have sex last night?
I think that was the general idea until I got you undressed and you puked on me.
You do realize it's a Tuesday, right?
You do realize I stopped giving a fuck about calendars when I was 10, right? And besides, it could be the best Tuesday of your life.
You passed out in the bathroom with the door locked. Had to take a shit in your litter box. Don't worry, your cat buried it for me.
does it count as cheating if I'm bettering him for his girlfriend?
I will now refer to my life as before and after I used Astroglide for the first time
all i remember is him tryin to explain to the girls how to effectively hit the strip club with their bfs
hes actually pretty persuasive when he drinks
You said you didn't want to drink anymore so you started shooting vodka down the back of your throat using a syringe. Oh, and then you aimed it at my eye ball...vodka in the eye hurts btw.
the liver wants what the liver wants
Drunkenly making hamburger helper. I just whispered "I can't wait to have you in my mouth."
It hurts to hear and I can smell shapes.
What's Spanish for "I shouldn't have worn these underwear to work?"
You know she's gonna fuck shit up when she shows up in a neon wind-suit
Found your bra
Where?
Hanging in the tree
Today will be the day I throw up in my backpack in the middle of class
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