My grandmother just called to say she disowned me. Apparently I uploaded a video to Youtube of me dancing nude with a blow-up doll named Dorothy, last night. You are so fired from being damage control.
two of my INSANE ex girlfriends just texted me saying their coming over because im home alone. needless to say, im deleting my twitter.
I would kind of like a job that starts at 10:30 and i'll work til 7. I'm not very productive in the morning. My main focus is not puking from 9-11.
I should have known there'd be issues when he included "beautiful soul" in our playlist
I'm at a party watching some dude try to eat a whole package of Oreos in 5 minutes.
I created another version of Halloween, it's called swalloween, whatever girl in a slutty costume you bring home has to swallow or forever be known as the holiday grinch
Casually had to file a missing persons report last night
Do you ever feel like a plastic bag?!
Post-sex nachos deserve a song.
Good news: you're over the drunk crying life phase. Bad news: now you're handy and violent. You were groping me from behind in front of the guy you like, then you put me in a headlock and swept the leg.
THERES A BEAVER CHASING ME, ANGRY BEAVERS IS FUCKING REAL DUDE
All the doctor said was why
So my balls are accidently making an appearance on snapchat
My fuck buddy and I talked about Amelia Bedilia for ten minutes before having sex. I think I'm in love.
so after 3 days of looking i found the keg...looks like somebody tried burying behind the garage
Randomize