it's like i warped into dreamland and the only thing that makes sense is my solo cup
you dont have to exercise, you threw up last night!
so was this before or after i puked down the ice luge?
She looked like a pterodactyl.....but dude i love dinosaurs
I miss the time when Mondays weren't the new Thursdays. I can't drink like my 17 year old self anymore.
I'm eating cheerios out of the palm of my hand while I pee with the door open. Is this adulthood?
Also, I'm going to TRY and be casual this weekend, but really, we need to be serious about equally dividing our time between party and bullshit.
The 78 year old woman who works next to me divorced her ex husband, remarried her first husband, and retired all in one day. I'd say it makes your breakup on Valentine's day pretty insignificant.
Walking around as slutty Ron Swanson is amazing
I didn't pay $79 for lingerie for you to cum in 30 seconds
How was your night?
Fell down a flight of stairs. Went to a sex dungeon. Was approached by a man in a leather harness.
I guess you could say the date didn’t go so well since I was drunkenly Snapchatting with my ex by the end of it.
Block me from your phone tonight…I need to get laid tonight. But you've been being a douchebag. So not by you. But I might call you. So block me.
WHY WOULD I COCK BLOCK MYSELF???
What?? I could've slept with an ordained minister!
I smell Vodka. It's me. If anyone asks it's totally hand sanitizer.
Randomize