I gave them both handjobs at the same time. Felt like I was skiing
You were petting your shoe and saying this makes me really happy
would he be offended if i told him that "national coming out day" is october 11. thats subtle enough right?
You thought last year was bad... a guy dressed as a clown showed up with cocaine
She just had to change the song on the radio cause I was tap dancing on her windshield
I created another version of Halloween, it's called swalloween, whatever girl in a slutty costume you bring home has to swallow or forever be known as the holiday grinch
You just squeezed a person out of you and I'm drunks at 2PM. Our lives got traded and you know it and you're jealous.
Discovered that a nalgene holds an entire bottle of wine. Going mobile. Come find me.
I think the closest to heaven you can get in this world is your morning dump after a night of Molly
we were looking for paper towels to wrap his hand and i yanked a drawer out of the cabinet, it was fun so we just kept doing it. things escalated and long story short, he isn't gettin his security deposit back
I don't know how or when he is sober long enough to donate plasma
Yeah we do. It needs to be like a good penis- long, substancial, and able to make people cry.
if i had known the extra weight would have gone to my tits, i would have started drinking years ago
His favorite stripper is going to jail. He's taking it pretty hard
Dude this weed has me so paranoid.
Yeah tell me about it I just screamed after I coughed because my own cough scared me.
Randomize
