I'm sitting at the bar eating dinner next to a nerd, a guy in a 10 gallon hat, and a policeman. I feel like I joined The Village People
All I saw was a beagle come across the screen and explain the theory of relativity to me and leave
yeah except there is a correlation between drinking moonshine and going blind, which kind of concerns me
I also tried to drunkenly adopt a kitten last night. It didn't pan out.
As I type I'm climbing my cousins swingset so I can take a nap inside the slide. Fuck this hangover. I always win.
the scent of your tears make me crave pizza
She was eating leaves off of trees and saying it was salad, and even told a guy in passing that her favorite color was plaid.
Why is there puke in my guitar?
Because you puked in your guitar.
Apparently I came into our room and told her that there should be a zipline from our window to Walgreens so that I could get chicken noodle soup
Yeah she's a complete bitch. But I mostly hate her because she hijacked my fuck buddy.
I was chasing moonshine with vodka last night. I'm still not sure how I'm sober right now.
STOP FUCKING TELLING PEOPLE ABOUT THAT TIME THAT GUY CAME ON MY FACE WHILE I WAS ASLEEP!!!
I needed to pee, so I climbed out his window
Well I didn't spend $7 on an Uber just to get limp dick
I’ve jerked off three times and taken five shits already today. Being hung over in your 40’s is a fucking roller coaster.
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