remember that time that crown gas station wouldn't sell us a lighter so we had to use matches and birthday candles to smoke with a toilet paper roll? sometimes i miss high school
He told me his condom was going to expire tomorrow and he needed to use it. I can't believe I fell for it.
Have you ever seen a midget fist pump? BEST. THING. EVERRRRR.
i found two dead squirrels on my front step this morning.. do you think they have something to do with my missing phone?
Ok but if you die you have to get "I should've listened to Mike" carved into your tombstone
Maybe we could get a groupon for vasectomy. I'm game.
I probably should have waited until after the game to pity fuck him. You know, seeing as we lost.
Happy Birhtday!
Dad, it's 3am and it's not my birthday... wherever you are, go home
It's official. Post baseball sex is better than post hockey sex. I hope the Blue Jays win the world series.
Drunk you decided to patrol campus as the Arrow and tell random bystanders "YOU HAVE FAILED THIS CAMPUS." Campus P.D. did not join your crusade.
That explains the nerd bow & arrow...
bitch, i have a flask. i've got things under control.
god. marry me.
So I was walking to the bathroom and some random dude threw up while walking towards me. He kept eye contact the entire time and didn't stop moving.
Well I only snuggle him I don't hump him. That's rude.
As soon as you told us you were an ostrich with a big penis, we began to wonder what you were on and if you wanted to share.
Look at us. Planning our business meeting. Including snacks like shrooms & trail mix.
Randomize
