Fuck. sleeping in my sisters room again I heard zombie noises outside my window
Last night I fell down in the street (I think in someone's vomit), cut my knee up, lost my moms necklace and my license, and had to walk back to the hotel.
there is a school bus full of santas parked in front of the liquor store
Mid thrust he tells me that we have bio together
Omg!!!! Call me in the morning I just saw A stripper queef out a dollar
Admitting I go to nursing school is my subtle way of saying, yes, I know every muscle in your penis and how to effectively use them.
dude chill. we stole 18 hamburgers from her house
no. you cant fuck a burger.
My mouth already tastes like senor cuervo took a piss in it and it's barely 1 am
Woke up with eyeliner streaked down my face, glitter all over my bed, and holding half-eaten Jimmy Johns. Plus, my whole family's downstairs for Thanksgiving... Welcome to the shitshow that is my early 20s
thank god we only have to drink eggnog and rum once a year. It taste like shit.
WAIT DID YOU MAIL ME A KITTEN
Do you have any need for a scary clown mask?
You just kept stroking his beard and thinking aloud that you wanted to rub your face all over it.
It's a family event: you have to drink. No way around it. Its the law.
I WILL go to space. And if we find aliens I WILL fuck one. It’s the Marine Corps way
Randomize
